THE TURNOVER

“Good morning Ashley, why don’t you come in and take a seat?” said Ashley's councillor, Ms. Fallon. “Thank you”, Ashley greeted. Today, Ashley was meeting Ms. Fallon for the first time, on the insistence of her art teacher. “So tell me about yourself, and why you feel so lost”. Hearing Ms. Fallon made me smile to myself. “I am Ashley Robins. I am sixteen and I like art.”

Why don’t I make eye contact?  I’m counting the seconds; I’m pacing every breath I take. I’m keeping track of the time I have to be here. I’m counting eternity.

“Ashley, I have noticed you have an insane number of tattoos,” Ms. Fallon said cautiously.

It’s trendy to be yourself again, but only if everyone else likes “yourself” and only if “yourself” is just like everyone else.

The morning was over; the councillor was of no good use. I rushed out of school with a head filled with painful thoughts, thoughts that had been suppressed all this time. I went to my safe space; my access drugs. Drugs help me to relieve the pain. It’s quick and it's simple. Fill it up. Check for air bubbles.

Hit the arm for precision and jab. I really want to get caught. At least then I would be in an actual prison and not the prison my mind has built a fortress for me.

That day, even drugs couldn’t quell the voices that were spiraling through my head. I ran away. I ran away, from the pain, which could no longer be suppressed.

Getting home to four white walls was even more painful. My parents were rarely home, for they cared more about money than they did their daughter. I was a stranger at home and I am a stranger to society. Some days I stare into the mirror just to see if my own reflection recognises me. Merlin was the only hope that let me live. She was a mother when I needed a warm meal. She was a fatherly figure when it came to protecting me from the harsh words of society. They never considered me one amongst them because I looked at things differently. It’s been a year since Merlin skipped town.

There was no love to feel, but misery was the only company and it’s the warm blanket keeping me alive.

I was not here by choice, I was here because I was never taught how to love and care. I was never told it was okay to be angry or upset, that it was ok to feel bad and it was fine to be clueless. I was a child that my parents never planned for. Money bought them everything but it still sliced their marriage apart. My allowance was in exchange for minimal interaction and not to tarnish their platinum image in society.

I was the tornado the weatherman had forecasted. Nobody took me seriously until I summoned chaos. Then they would say "I wish we knew. We'll never forget this. Hurricane Ashley”.

The following night I would be free of this materialistic world forever.

Drugs never disappoint. With the right amount, I’ll get the right amount of solitude. Today I will go a little further because I know it's going to grant me the silence I would kill for. No, no pun intended.

With this, Ashley Robins took the last puff from her stash.

With an open eye, she fell onto the glass table by her bed. The thud signaled Mr. and Mrs. Robins to break down the door to check on their daughter. They saw her laying on the floor with blood gushing from the tiny cuts the glass had caused on her back. An ambulance was called and the Robins pacified Ashley to remain hopeful. Ashley could hear every word that was uttered. As her vision blurred, her thoughts brightened.

I could not feel the pain anymore, but I also couldn’t feel the freedom that I fought for. Maybe I was still here or maybe I wasn’t. I could feel myself again after what seemed like forever. After great efforts, I was able to open my eyes to a white ceiling. “ She’s waking up, somebody gets the doctor, my girl is getting out of her coma.” I was shocked to see mom sitting by my bed. She wrapped her hand around mine. She held her girl for the first time in years. I heard the doctor’s good news. “ She’s certainly a strong girl. Almost a year in a coma and shes' back to life. It’s almost as if she got a new lease of life which only very few people are fortunate to witness.”

I could feel my body again, a body which had trapped a heart and a mind, but this time a new one. “How do you feel Ms. Ashley?” he asked, “I feel good doctor, surprisingly good.” The doctor said that I was invincible because even an overdose couldn’t kill me. This was a battle fought for life, with no swords or armor but with self-realisation. My eyes felt moisture, moisture caused when I witnessed Mother feeding me soup for the first time. “Ash, the doctor says you are fine now. You just need to be here under observation for a week or two and you can come home” she cried. I looked straight into them and realised how sorry she felt for what she’d done to me, and the past 11 months were just as torturous to her as they were to me. That day I had a conversation with my mother for the first time and not with the nanny who’d raised me.

I only ever saw vast darkness when I closed my eyes. Now I figure skating a triple Axel in the limitless sky with soft clouds I can fly right through and leave a trail of puff. I am invincible.

That day for the first time ever I spoke to mom. Unspoken words were conveyed through loving gestures and the conversation was filled with stories which were now bridging the gap between my parents and me.

Dad was on his way from Portugal as soon as he heard my recovery news. He wanted to talk to me on the phone, but I decided to save the moment till he got back home. Next morning when I woke up, a surprise awaited me. Merlin was back from the States and was by my side holding my hand in hers. Hugs were exchanged and tears were shed, I had my strength back, and this time it had multiplied. Later that morning when I had some time to myself, I looked out the window beside my bed and saw a homeless man asking for food by the hospital’s bench.

Maybe I overlooked the homeless man selling stalks of beauty on the sidewalk.  I should have taken a long way home and pet the puppies in the park. I should have believed in magic as a child. The magic which I now feel as the dark clouds clear on a bright sunny morning.

Dad returned the very next morning, in front of me stood a figure which I always thought to be evil. Quite surprisingly, he stood up without speaking a word, kissed my forehead, handed me a letter and left. I opened up the first ever letter addressed to me by my own father.

Dearest Ashley,

The past 11 months have taught me and your mother to love you more than money- something which we realised pretty late. Your mother and I were so lost within ourselves to seek our personal fights that it took us 16 years to realise, that even with the little love we once had for each other, we’d created a human which would carry our genes and would complete us as a family. I’m sorry for all the times we forced you to be a rebel, I am sorry love missing your school events. All the conversation that we’ve had were always about your expenditure on drugs or just me letting you know that your credit card bills have been paid for. Sometimes when you were drinking away at the bar or were lying wasted on the bed, I would occasionally look at your art collection in the garden. Your paintings have always reminded me of how I fell in love with your mother, her strokes portrayed the beauty of life, but my ego always stopped me from talking to you or praising you.

Your fight against drugs is going to be rough, but I promise you, your mom and I will be there every step to help you recover to the fullest. Lastly, I am very proud of the artist you’ve become and how bright you painted our lives, even if it took us 16 years to realise.

Love, Dad J

I wiped away the tear that had playfully trickled down my eyes, I was to cherish that tear for life, as it was a valuable drop of elation. My first ever real happiness.

2 weeks zoomed by with mom, dad, and Merlin by my side. Then came the day when I stepped out into a new world. As I sat in the car, mom put the sun visor to protect my eyes from the scorching sun. I removed it as I wanted to talk to the sun. On reaching home I sat in the garden, with Merlin sitting next to me “ why are you staring at the sun Ashley?” Merlin asked.

The sun is always talking to me, teaching me lessons. It disappears at night but she glistens on my skin every morning, protecting me in a veil of white warmth, telling me it is going to be okay.

I shifted my attention from the sun to Merlin’s face which I had never noticed exuded such radiant beauty.

It’s been a month since I’ve got home.  Mom and dad are always around, maybe they have found another reason to love again. Merlin is here every day. Her boyfriend paints her nails bright yellow to freshen up her dull face. He watches her sleep and I hear him on the phone with his friends asking for ways to gift her hope. He has shown me, true love. Could it be a boy from school that always teases me? Or will it be an older man? One day I want someone to look me in the eyes and say “I do” without a breath of hesitation. We were flying to New York, to drop Merlin home and spend our first Christmas as a proper happy family.

This Christmas I want to ram straight into Santa. And watch as the atoms of happiness sprinkle all over me. This Christmas, I am making snow angels with Santa’s little helpers.

I'm Ashley. I dared to challenge the universe. Today I'm one with her and she's looking out for me. I'm Ashley; friend of the universe. I have decided to stay because an eternity is a black hole of infinite possibilities. Someday the skies will darken to soot again and thunder will come rampaging on my window but I've got duct tape and I'm not afraid to use it. I took sixteen years to appreciate the gift of life. I almost chose death but life chose me.



( THE STORY IS IN COLLABORATION WITH @NAKEDNAPKINS SINGAPORE. THE BLOGGER IS SPECIALISED FOR ONE LINER EMOTIONS)